Why I'm voting for John Kerry (Just Kidding!)

[LexingtonPethead]

This is a delightfully humorous piece that's right on target about Kerry and America.


Kerry's Middle America
Doug Giles
August 7, 2004

When I hear John Kerry and John Edwards try to pawn off on the American public that they are defenders of middle class Americans, veritable ubermen for us struggling underdogs -- yes, advocates of our values, fears and needs, I wonder, what time does The Three Stooges Show come on?

I'm not buying their rhetoric or the happy, hugging and grinning, let's eat at Wendy's shtick they threw our way last week either. What did they expect us to do when we viewed their temporary make over? Elbow our wife and say, "Look Arlene, they're just like us, they eat at Wendy's! Garsh, we oughta vote for them. Pass the opossum gravy!!!"

Did you see how Kerry held his Wendy's hamburger? He looked and handled that Single with cheese like a beaker of someone else's urine. Hey, Mr. Kerry, we might earn less in a year than one of the bathrooms in your four mansions cost, but that doesn't make us blonde.

And what is up with the all the hugging and all the high five ing Kerry and Edwards are forcing on us? What is this: a new Friends episode? Is this the official Ross and Chandler run for the White House? What's next?

How about this, to make us middle class morons vote for you in droves. You both go on Diane Sawyer and do a soft-focus, moist eyed interview about the trials you face as multi-millionaires. That'll slay us.

Evidently, not too many people fell under their overly orchestrated spell at the convention in Boston, at least not too many newcomers. The projected Kerry/ Edwards post convention spring in the polls had all the bounce of an 87 year old Sumo wrestler with a bad hip.

As hard as they try, and dear God, they are trying hard, Kerry and Edwards, just don't have that mid-American feel.

Take John Edwards, for instance: no real person smiles that much. Middle Americans don't beam that bountifully. Neither Jesus nor kids stoned on expensive weed grin that much. Only avaricious ambulance chasing lawyers, running for vice president and trying to offset their Lurch-like presidential running mate, smile that much. This grinning Edwards reminds me of the overly gleeful guy who sold me a '75 Firebird back in '79, which turned out to be a complete piece of crap. And be sure of this: John Edwards is to Bible Cheney what Potsie was to the Fonz. The debates should prove interesting.

Then we have Kerry's esposa, Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry. Her name alone screams Middle America doesn't it? The guy who convinced Kerry to prop up his wife at the DNC should be simultaneously slapped by the Democrats and celebrated by the Republicans. Watching and hearing Teresa ooze made me think I was at the Whiskey a Go-Go in the late '60's listening to the front poet before Grace Slick took the stage. Is it possible Jim Morrison had a secret sister?

All the writers for the X-Files, Half-Baked, Evita and The Twilight Zone could never have dreamed up Teresa Heinz Kerry. She's neither Middle America nor middle earth. Her billion bequeathed dollars that fund some of the most liberal, loopy organizations scream to the rest of us, "We really have nothing in common with you"! I hate to admit it, but watching Tessy the other night actually made me long to see and hear Hillary again. At least she's decipherable in her deportment. Madame
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious represents the peripheral liberals of the ludicrous left, not middle class Americans.

Hollywood, also, is working hard trying to get Kerry elected. Here's another Kerry support group that really mirrors the wants of us common folk, right? My question to the Average Joe out there is: should Middle America be swayed in the voting booth by the most narcissistic people on the planet? The fact that Whoopi Goldberg, Janeane Garofalo and Eddie Vedder support Kerry should tip the traditional Middle American off to the fact that they should politically lean in the opposite direction.

Ah, Hollywood with it's swinging clubs and Hustler superstores: where statutory rapists can win an Oscar, where the famous can send their kids to elite high schools where they may attend cross dressing classes, where nannies have support groups to deal with the stress these charmed few generate, and where the head of a prostitution ring can crawl out of prison and be an instant celebrity. Yes, Middle America, I think we should follow these luminaries. Why? Well . because . uh . because . they are on TV!

Then we have Michael Moore. He's a perfect mirror of Middle America, isn't he? Did you see him propped up in his box seat at the DNC, sitting there like the Goodyear blimp overlooking the festivities? If Michael Moore had been in charge, according to Christopher Hitchens, "Slobodan Milosevic would
still be the big man in a starved and tyrannical Serbia. Bosnia and Kosovo would have been cleansed and annexed. Afghanistan would still be under Taliban rule. Kuwait would have remained part of Iraq and Iraq itself would still be the personal property of a psychopathic crime family, bargaining covertly with the slave state of North Korea for WMD." That's kinda middle American-ish. Right?

And the ultimate proof that Moore's telling the truth? Well, he wears a baseball hat and a hooded sweatshirt, seldom shaves, eats processed foods, and repeatedly tells us he's from Flint, Michigan. Most important, it's so reassuring to know Moore is guided by such a noble ethic: "It's not a lie, unless you're caught". He's me? He's you?? He's us??? No way!!!

And, by the way, if you missed Fahrenheit 911 and you're traveling to Cuba this summer, don't worry: Moore's comrade in arms Fidel Castro is running Moore's mish-mash of mendacity, every day. So, you can catch it there.

My ClashPoint is this: John Kerry's political track record is what you should be eyeballing. You see, it's not just his grinning would-be Veep; not his Hollywood hepatitis C crowd; not his Jurassic rock stars. It's not even his 'Nam war films (which we now know Kerry himself shot during staged re-enactments of the action). It's what he has stood for, the last two decades, the ultra-left record of his time in the U.S. Senate.

You know, the facts that he has so ardently tried to hide, and not his current "look the other way" fabrications. Facts like: over the last 20 years Senator Kerry has voted again and again to cut spending on the military and on the intelligence services, in stark contrast to his "I will be strong militarily" bluster. No you won't, Senator. You never have been and never will be.

No matter how many hamsters he's rescued, he will be a weak, wait-until-we're-hit-here before-we-hit-back leader. How many times has he told us we must always wait for the UN to give us their thumbs up, before we dare do anything? In this day of international terrorism and nuclear suitcases we can't afford a Commander in Chief who has proved himself feckless philanderer of time and opportunity, time and again.

According to his history, he's going to tax the middle class, be cool with abortion and gay marriage, pander to Europe, and continue to vote to the extreme left as he has since entering the Senate 20 years ago.

What disturbs me most about Kerry is his masking his record instead of seriously coming clean regarding how he has voted, where he currently stands and what he intends to do. By rights, he should quit trying to be "us" and stop running those Mayberry RFD commercials starring Kerry as Andy Griffith when he's anything but: he's the most liberal Senator in the Senate and his values in no way mirror middle class Americans.

### Semper Fi,

[Shell]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[Pethead1]

This just may get people to vote for him as well.


A Tour of Duty or a Ton of Dooky?
Doug Giles



It seems the Swift Boat Vets have delivered a swift kick to Kerry�s crotch.
Ouch! That�s gotta hurt. What�s ironic -- and typical -- is the Left�s
hysterically hypocritical spin machine screaming for the Swifties� 411 to be
immediately Dixie Chicked. The self- righteous, first amendment waving, Michael
Moron embracers are not so free with freedom of speech when it happens to slow
roast their presidential nominee a mere 80 or so days before the nation schleps
to the polls.

What�s funny, [not funny, �ha-ha� � funny �weird�] is as long as the information
comes from one uberliberal, overweight, college dropout with a communist bent,
who routinely attempts to make �W� look like a greedy gnome who wrongfully plays
golf while he unrepentantly sends our kids to the Gulf, well � that�s cool.
Spreading such misinformation, created from the ether by one of the left�s
darlings should not, according to most liberals, be examined. No! It should be
believed and be considered inerrant and infallible, and the purveyor of such
rank propaganda lifted high as a prophet.

But flip to today. More than 60 decorated, non-politically active, eyewitnesses
of Kerry�s four month stint in Vietnam -- men who ate, slept, and served a few
feet from the Dems� presidential applicant � have written a heavily documented,
devastating tell all, Unfit for Command, credibly contradicting Kerry�s account
of his fleeting 120 days in �Nam. They represent more than 250 Swift Boat
veterans, including Kerry�s commanding officer! So, what�s the response from
all the usual political and media suspects? What the heck do they know? Why
should they be trusted? Dismiss �em; censure �em � and if they keep trying to
talk, just shout them down.

If Unfit for Command is true, then the half-inflated raft on which Kerry�s
campaign is currently floating, i.e., his allegedly heroic four months in �Nam
is sunk. [Four months? I took woodworking shop for four months 29 years ago,
but that sure doesn�t mean I�m fit to take Bob Vila�s job.]

It�s Kerry who volleyed his Vietnam record into the court of public scrutiny. I
guess he didn�t figure that 254 guys who served with and around him would return
service back to his court with a violently contradictory top spin. And now it
is up to Kerry, not Lanny Davis, not Jeh Johnson and certainly not James
Carville to field the multitudinous charges.

The right and proper action for John Kerry is to answer the heavily documented
allegations. If it turns out that he can�t or won�t, then he needs to be held
in contempt or suspicion, and the Democrats need to turn to some non-Pinocchio
pundit without amnesia and high grade narcissism. That is, if liberals are
intellectually honest and don�t want still another prevaricator in the Oval
Office to embarrass them at every turn.

Come on, Senator Kerry: come clean. Answer the accusations. Provide whatever
paperwork you need to nail the coffin shut on the allegedly fallacious claims of
the Swifties who have been brave enough to stand and be counted. And if you did
lie to us, then tell us. We�re big boys.

You just might stun us into forgiving you and voting for you, because the public
hasn�t seen a truth dealing Democrat presidential hopeful in ages; one who, when
caught red-handed lying about his past or humping an intern, actually admits it
and repents. Just tell us your ego got in the way� you trumped your �Nam
service because your Senate record and your days spent carrying Mike Dukakis�
briefcase are sorta � well, lackluster.

Look, even if you don�t get elected, if you lied and now confess it, at least
you�ll sleep better at night and something really rewarding will happen.
Allergan� will hire you to be one of their Botox spokes models. Or maybe you�ll
get an offer to get into celebrity boxing. I�m thinkin� a John Kerry vs. Janet
Reno match could prove a lucrative contest. I know it would blow away, ratings
wise, last Thursday�s Joey Buttafuoco vs. Joanie Laurer bout.

Here�s the flip side of the suspicious Kerry Tour of Duty coin: if these
Swifties have lied and maliciously slandered and publicly defamed Senator Kerry,
then their group picture needs to be put next to the definition of creepy in the
updated 2005 version of Webster�s Unabridged Dictionary. And not only that:
they should be punished somehow for their libelous claims, like having to be
Teresa [Tah- ray- za] Heinz Kerry�s butler, or bath drawer, or pool boy or
masseur.

George Bush was forced to come forward with the truth about his drinking history
and National Guard records, and his pre 9/11 intelligence or lack thereof.
What�s the problem with John Kerry having to come forward and answer this book�s
detailed allegations and provide the necessary documents, like who witnessed his
acts of heroism and who treated his wounds?

My ClashPoint is this, Senator: President Bush was flamb�ed for his honorable
Texas National Guard record, and grilled by the 9/11 Commission. So, don�t
think it�s too much for you to answer, now, the accusations leveled at you by
your fellow Swifties. Unfit for Command calls you, John Forbes Kerry, a liar and
phony and your Vietnam claims a scam. That�s tough language. Since you�ve
built much of your political platform on what the Swifties are calling shifting
sands, you�ve got to answer their charges.

This book didn�t come from Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity or Ann Coulter but rather
from eyewitnesses, respectable naval officers and enlisted men calling you,
Senator, on the carpet for your combat claims. I know we can�t answer all our
detractors� critiques but this isn�t a simple �Kerry Sucks� 900 word op-ed
written by some axe-flailing fame seeker. This is 256 pages of heavily
footnoted analysis that has been well-written, meticulously researched and reeks
of sincerity.

So, allay our concerns, Mr. Kerry. Weigh in and show us the Swift Boat Veterans
are wrong. Prove to us that your Tour of Duty was not a ton of dooky.

[LexingtonPethead]

Debbie, this is awesome stuff! Kerry is such a phony. It's in his whole demeanor, his aura. I pray that God does not turn His back on America.. that He will allow honor and respect for all that is good and just to triumph over evil in this election.