In need of prayer and advice

[executioner]

As many of you know I have 2 small children, one is turning 3 this week the other is going on 20 months. Before they were born I didn't really get too emotional, but now I get emotional with things about them real easy. Well I've notice over the last year or so when I'm watching the news and I see something like a parent abusing their kids or a parent accidently leaves their child in a hot car, and the child will die; Well I get real emotional about these things and this will linger on sometimes for days at a time.
I'm contastly thinking about things like this and sometimes will sit there and try imagine what they were going through their last few minutes of their life. It sometimes really creeps me out when thinking about this and I will get lightheaded and start to vomit.
I don't know what to do about this because I've become even more protective over my kids but to a point that sometimes I won't let anyone else like close family members touch them or pick them up. Yesterday we were at my parents home visiting and my dad was kicking the ball with our kids and the 20 month old got hit and he fell; It was harmless on my dad's part but I went berserk on my dad and my wife had to restrain me from hitting him.
I'm really scared that something more will happen next time and I'm at my wits end about it, and I'm asking for prayer but also some advice about it. I'm also wondering if anyone else with kids has gone through something like this, and how did they get through it soundly? PLEASE HELP!!!

[Jonathan]

I don't think you are alone in those feelings of protectiveness towards children. When I had my own, I feel like I became more...human. You care about people more, especially children. My heart breaks when I hear news stories about people who have harmed children, and I feel like I want to destroy them. In going through pregnancy, you understand the series of consecutive miracles that are now commonplace, in order to carry a child to term, and then to raise him/her.

My child has taken some knocks, some faceplants, et cetera. It's not due to negligence, but they're kids. We were kids, we all fell off stuff, ran into stuff, and had stuff fall on us. That's how we grow. You've got two, so you know kids are resilient. You can't obsess over whether or not your child will get hurt. Spend your energy loving on and raising your child the best that you can. I don't know your family's situation, but my own family and parents love their granddaughter as if she were one of their own kids.

I don't know how anyone gets over it, because no matter how old they get, they will always be your child. When they hurt, you hurt.

I just entrust God with my child's health for the things I can't personally protect her from. If I release my child into God's arms, and trust him for his protection and sustenance, it makes it easier to breathe. As inept as I am as a person, God is even more adept.

There's a song called "Held" by Natalie Grant that reminds me that suffering is going to happen, but when everything falls, we'll be held. That promise is pretty calming.

But I'm some anonymous nut on a message board, I hope you take it to a trusted counselor or mentor, no pretense, no facade. There's nothing like being real and talking to someone in person about it.

[knotodiswrld]

As many of you know I have 2 small children, one is turning 3 this week the other is going on 20 months. Before they were born I didn't really get too emotional, but now I get emotional with things about them real easy. Well I've notice over the last year or so when I'm watching the news and I see something like a parent abusing their kids or a parent accidently leaves their child in a hot car, and the child will die; Well I get real emotional about these things and this will linger on sometimes for days at a time.
I'm contastly thinking about things like this and sometimes will sit there and try imagine what they were going through their last few minutes of their life. It sometimes really creeps me out when thinking about this and I will get lightheaded and start to vomit.
I don't know what to do about this because I've become even more protective over my kids but to a point that sometimes I won't let anyone else like close family members touch them or pick them up. Yesterday we were at my parents home visiting and my dad was kicking the ball with our kids and the 20 month old got hit and he fell; It was harmless on my dad's part but I went berserk on my dad and my wife had to restrain me from hitting him.
I'm really scared that something more will happen next time and I'm at my wits end about it, and I'm asking for prayer but also some advice about it. I'm also wondering if anyone else with kids has gone through something like this, and how did they get through it soundly? PLEASE HELP!!!

Well, I'll probably get fined for practicing psychology without a license ... or any actual training ... but here goes.

You say you didn't get too emotional when your kids were born, but now you get very emotional. This sounds to me like you were working very hard, when they were born, not to be too emotional. It is likely that you had very strong emotions, that you were concerned or even afraid for your kids and your wife in those delicate times, but that for whatever reason you suppressed those feelings rather than bringing them out into the open and dealing with them.

Perhaps you felt you needed to be strong for your wife. A noble motive, but one we men often handle that in the wrong way.

Perhaps you didn't want to appear weak in front of medical staff or family. Understandable, since they will often treat you like a child if you do.

Sometimes, we subconsciousnessly go out of our way to appear strong so that no one else takes advantage of us or our wife and kids in their most vulnerable moment. This instinct probably goes back to the days when men had to stand guard with pointy sticks over women who were in labor in order to keep the predators at bay. At such times, appearing strong and unflappable even if you were terrified probably saved lives.

For whatever reason, it sounds like you really held back your emotions way back then and just haven't dealt with them since. Again, I am no psychologist, so if this makes sense to you ... great. Use it. If not, feel free to think me a psychobabling nutjob.

Now, we all get emotional when we hear of children abused or neglected, especially when it ends in fatalities. And we'd all like to have the responsible parent alone with us on a desert island for a couple of days. And that natural emotion may be playing into the emotions you've had bottled up for so long, making it difficult to hold back.

You made no mention if there were complications during the births. If there were, it would certainly aggravate this situation even further.

Now, everything I've said above is pure, untrained speculation and I admit that I could be dead wrong.

What I am about to say now, I am absolutely certain of.

Somehow, someway, you've suffered some kind of trauma somewhere that is affecting your emotions toward your kids, making you over protective. I don't know for sure what it is, but something is there.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not saying you are crazy, but you need some counselling. You need to see a real, licensed professional counselor who can help you find the source of the problem and work through it. There's nothing UnChristian about that.

There are some really bad counselors in this world, and if you get hold of one of those you need to switch. But there are some really good ones too. I think it would help you alot to find one and get some help.

[Shell]

It's normal for a parent to be protective of their children Exe, and I'm sure we can all think of times when we've overreacted to a situation. Heck, I don't have kids of my own, but I'm protective of my nieces and nephews, and I'm always watching out for little kids who might look like they could be lost or in trouble.

There's no way you can protect your kids from everything, you can't control everything life might throw at them. They'd actually probably be better off if you'd focus more on teaching them about coping skills, being discerning and making good choices as they get old enough to understand those concepts rather than trying to shelter them from everything that might happen. That way they would learn about protecting themselves and setting boundaries.

I hate hearing about children being abused too, but you have to keep in mind you're not responsible for other people's actions. I would guess part of the reason you're having trouble in this area is because you're dealing with stuff you can't do a whole lot about, and it might help if you felt you were doing something to prevent children from being abused. If you're able to, you might want to see about helping out in some way with an organization that works with abused children.

[CatNamedManny]

I've got two kids, one just over 2 years old and the other nearly 10 months old.

I know exactly what you mean about being far more caring and emotional not just about my own kids, but also about other people's kids. I used to be all into horror movies, but I can't watch them anymore. I used to have no problems reading or watching news stories about kids being abused or dying from negligence. I can't do it anymore. It ruins my day. Like Jonathan said, having kids makes us more human. It awakens in us feelings we've never felt before, and that makes us better able to empathize with others, as well as be better protectors for our own children.

But I think you're right in recognizing that your feelings go too far. Stuff happens. Kids get hit in the face with stuff, they fall down, they get hurt. We all want to protect them as much as we can, but we also have to recognize that a little pain helps them grow and cope with the pain they'll experience when we're no longer there to shield them from the worst of it. The fact that you needed to be restrained from attacking your own father is troublesome. That indicates a problem to me that needs professional counseling to resolve. I would suggest getting that counseling as quickly as possible because you do your children no favors by ending up in jail or worse in the event of another incident.

It's easy to do the armchair psychology thing, but I don't know you nor your history. I'm not qualified to give you advice beyond what my own personal experience tells me, which is that the basis for your feelings is totally rational. You love your kids and want to protect them and hate to hear of other kids being hurt. But the extent to which your feelings have taken you is not rational at all, and only someone with the training and expertise to work through that with you can truly help you here. I really think we should avoid making uninformed speculation because that could really do more harm than good.

I hope that helps. Another thing I know from personal experience is that God can change people beyond what we can imagine. He can work miracles in the hearts and minds of broken people, and many times he uses counselors to do that. I'll be in prayer for you and your family.

[Vic]

I'll keep it simple. You have some pent up anger against someone or something, some rage that boils over that makes you act or react irrationally. It is like a volcano waiting to erupt. You better let it go.

[executioner]

I waited for sometime to respond and first off I just wanted to say thanks for all the advice. I did go ahead and started with my Wife seeing a counselor, and so far we came out with a better understanding of how I'm feeling and it has worked, but with this counselor sexual abuse kept on coming up and because I know that I've never been sexually abused will never be that way also with my kids and we came at impasse about this situation we decided to seek another counselor, and to our dismay this same issue came up with the other counselor.
Both of these counselors are Christians and we knew neither before all of this. I've talked to our pastor about this and he said that he can't discredit these counselors because they are professionals.
In this day and age do you think counselors just go into default mode and always assume that sexual abuse took place or will take place? My wife and I are really taken back by these counselors thinking something like this. There is no doubt in our minds that nothing like this has happen to either of us, and too be honest really don't know what else to say. I just wanted to thank you all for the advice and wanted to inquire why they always assume something like that had happened.

[Shell]

They may be Christian counselors, Exe, but their approach sounds secular...Too many counselors (especially secular) assume every issue stems back to some sort of childhood trauma or some sort of abuse, and while that may be true in some (or maybe even many) cases it certainly isn't true in all. They're too quick to lump everyone into a category, and they're certainly not right all the time. Although it might be helpful to understand that what happened in the past may be affecting the present, it doesn't necessarily solve anything. They should believe what you tell them and look for other ways to help you. You might have to switch counselors a few times before you find one you can work with. If you still want to get counseling, try to find a counselor who will help you with coping skills based on biblical principles rather than one who insists on focusing on abuse, they're out there.

Counseling, like everything else, has its good and bad points. And what does professional actually mean anyway? Being a professional and being an idiot aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. The point is, just because they went to school and have a degree doesn't mean they have pat answers that work for everyone.

[CatNamedManny]

They may be Christian counselors, Exe, but their approach sounds secular...Too many counselors (especially secular) assume every issue stems back to some sort of childhood trauma or some sort of abuse, and while that may be true in some (or maybe even many) cases it certainly isn't true in all. They're too quick to lump everyone into a category, and they're certainly not right all the time. Although it might be helpful to understand that what happened in the past may be affecting the present, it doesn't necessarily solve anything. They should believe what you tell them and look for other ways to help you. You might have to switch counselors a few times before you find one you can work with. If you still want to get counseling, try to find a counselor who will help you with coping skills based on biblical principles rather than one who insists on focusing on abuse, they're out there.

Counseling, like everything else, has its good and bad points. And what does professional actually mean anyway? Being a professional and being an idiot aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. The point is, just because they went to school and have a degree doesn't mean they have pat answers that work for everyone.

I don't think I could disagree with this any more strongly. I can't speak for why these counselors kept coming around to the same topic, but I object to the implication that their methods are somehow wrong because "their approach sounds secular." Too often, the "Christian approach" seems to rely on ignoring the root causes for behavior and blaming the person struggling with their actions for their lack of faith. Childhood trauma manifests itself in numerous ways, and "trauma" does not need to be a single traumatic event. It can be as simple as a child's misinterpretation of parents' poor communication, which takes root and affects the child's view of him/herself, God, etc. Unfortunately, parents are bound in this fallen world to wound their children, even unintentionally, To recognize this and seek healing for it is not secular; on the contrary, it is biblical - far more biblical than ignoring the past roots of present struggles.

By the way, the above is a general point, not directed specifically toward exe's circumstances, though I do think there's something - it doesn't have to be sexual - from his past/childhood that's manifesting itself in reactions like this.

[Shell]

I wasn't totally dismissing secular counseling or saying there wasn't a place for it, Manny. I don't have anything against that approach. I was saying it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone's situation, and there's a need to include God too, and not every patient and counselor mix will be a good one. I do understand the value of looking at what might have happened during childhood that may be causing problems. I'm just saying that shouldn't be all they're doing; the counselor should listen. And if there has been abuse, the counselor should help the patient decide what steps to take, not just leave them hanging going, "okay, so I've had this abuse in my past, what now? Where do I go from here?" I've dealt with my share of Christians who have the attitude that if you have issues you must not have enough faith, and that's far from being a good approach either.

[executioner]

The thing that got us was both were way off base and the first one basically refused to let up on his assessment.
No abuse or anything traumatizing happened we were young. I come from a huge positive background and one counselor was like I don't believe it. I feel like counselors now are narrow. Minded and want us all in this perfect little box.

[bakersfieldpethead]

The only 1 answer that is for everyone is God. When it comes to counseling someone it’s not always wise to group people in categories because we are individuals and make our own choices in life, so in that sense, one answer is not always the same for everyone.

When I was a child, I had a problem peeing in my bed at night, so my Grandmother decided I should see a counselor to find out what was going on. The counselor wanted to know if I was being abused in any way, so He started asking questions about my father. We didn’t find out the answer until later in life when they found out I was a diabetic and my sugar had been elevating for some time, which explained why I was sluggish, had problems with depression and I was overweight.

[executioner]

So does peeing problem still persist?

[bakersfieldpethead]

I feel like counselors now are narrow. Minded and want us all in this perfect little box.

I agree with you there.

Look exe, you're human and we have to rely on God to get us by. Protection is a natural thing with parents but in reality we have to trust God will protect the children when we can’t always do that. The Church has let the world in today and they got away from teaching to trust God with everything. There is no way in this world we can handle it all, God is the only one if we let him be in control.

I don’t know if you have done this yet or not, or how your relationship is with your Dad. But I would say that you know your parents didn’t go wrong with you, so you know that they did a great job and have the experience. If you haven’t yet, I would suggest pulling up a chair with your dad and talking to him about it, just let all of your fears out to him about it and have him pray with you about it. He might surprise you and tell you that he had some of the same things go through his mind when he had you.

It’s funny that we always say, there’s no owner’s manual to having Children. But at the same time, we sometimes overlook those in our life who’ve had on the job training.

[bakersfieldpethead]

So does peeing problem still persist?

funny......um no it does not happen anymore. I just fall asleep on the toilet.