Anyone else NOT in the Christmas spirit?

[St_Augustines_Pears]

Not to be an Ebeneezer Scrooge, but I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.

At work I got my hours cut from 40 per week to 36 per week. Yeah, yeah, I know...I should be thankful I have a job in this economy, but I could really use those hours.

As far as my ex-wife...here's an example. Money's kinda tight for both of us, but she really wants to get our 8-year-old daughter a new bike for Christmas. I told her I could go in for half.

She mentions this to her live-in boyfriend (the one who's still not divorced from his wife). He proceeds to go out and buy the bike for Christmas. The only reason he did it was to show me up because I don't have the money...believe me, this is not the first time he's done something like this.

The other day something happened at work that made me wonder if I'm starting to lose it. The radio is set on Lite 104.1, and they are playing 24-hour Christmas music (which, despite my melancholy mood, I do still enjoy). "I'll Be Home For Christmas" started playing, and I cried like a baby. I had to go into the office (I work as a hotel clerk) until I could compose myself.

Anyone else feel like this? Or should I expect a visit from the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future?

[Shell]

You've been through a lot, and it's not unusual that you're having a hard time. This can be a difficult time of year for some people. You need to hang on to the knowledge that God knows your circumstances and He will see you through and that your ex and her boyfriend will reap the consequences of their actions. You always reap what you sow; things are gonna catch up with them eventually. Focus on doing what you can for your daughter. Do you have a support group at church or anything? That can be helpful.

[sue d.]

I'm actually in the mood for Christmas for a change, because I can't wait to give a particular present to someone (no, nothing romatic!).

But Pears - I DO understand your frustration. Have you been divorced for long?

I ask, not meaning to be nosy, but the first years are always tough at Christmas time. Even after a while the ghosts from the past DO crop up at times. Something reminds you of the good times... a song, a tree ornament, whatever - and you realize you no longer have those times any more and they can never be recaptured because it's over. And sometimes you DO lose it.

It's totally natural, and there is NO set time frame on how long it takes to 'get over it.'

When there's a child involved - it makes things even more difficult.

Shell has good advice - the Lord KNOWS your heart, and His breaks along with yours when things like divorce happens.

The hurt lessens... eventually...

[Dan]

Christmas period is harder because of all the hype surrounding it; this amplifies emotions. You will pull through and I'm sure you will find love again too not that you probably want to hear that. Probably some nice ladies on the zone who are looking for a man like you.

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The arrow points the way.

[St_Augustines_Pears]

But Pears - I DO understand your frustration. Have you been divorced for long?

My wife and I divorced in October 2005. She wanted it, and I really didn't have the money to contest it, so she got her way.

At one point, I did move back in with her when she lived in a duplex because, 1) she was having trouble making her rent, and 2) it gave me a chance to be close to my daughter again. It was strictly platonic...no "sex with the ex", as a friend of mine jokingly put it. I didn't want to go down that road again.

My ex had her bedroom, my daughter had hers, and I lived in the basement. But that lasted for only a few months until she hooked up (yet again) with her married boyfriend, and I was asked to leave.

[St_Augustines_Pears]

Probably some nice ladies on the zone who are looking for a man like you.

LOL! That would be nice!

[Shell]

You have been through a lot, it's sad that she chose to do that, but like I've said, she will reap the consequences. As C.S. Lewis says in the Magician's Nephew "all get what they want; they don't always like it." What usually happens in those cases is the married boyfriend ends up going back to his wife (if she's dumb enough to take him back) or if they do get married it doesn't last. There are too many situations like that unfortunately, and the children are usually the ones who really end up suffering.

Hang in there.

[St_Augustines_Pears]

What usually happens in those cases is the married boyfriend ends up going back to his wife (if she's dumb enough to take him back) or if they do get married it doesn't last.

The crazy thing is is that since our divorce, my ex-wife has had her married boyfriend move in with her five (yes, I said five) separate times!

Each time he tells her that "This time, I'm really gonna divorce my wife and marry you!". Twice he started divorce proceedings , but then cancelled them. And every single time, he goes back to his wife. It's like, when he gets tired of one, he knows he can go to the other. He's a master manipulator, and he plays his wife and my ex like fiddles (stupid, stupid fiddles!).

Until either his wife or my ex grows a spine, he's gonna keep doing what he's doing, because he knows he can.

[knotodiswrld]

St. Augustines Pears:

I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if you ever blame yourself, but I want encourage you not to do that.

My own marriage hasn't always been smooth. But one thing I learned that has helped keep me sane is that her issues are NOT MY FAULT.

Oh, she used to blame them on me, but only because she couldn't face what the real causes and issues were. And even saying that much is triggering some flashbacks, so I'm going to have to wait before saying more.

All I want you to know is that your wife clearly has some self-worth issues that pre-date you. Who else would take a guy back FIVE TIMES?!?! Who else would be willing to be "the other woman" in the first place?!?!

Maybe she's blamed you for her issues in the past, but self-worth issues this deep go back to way before she met you.

Anyway, hang in there and don't give up on yourself.

[Shell]

Five times huh? It doesn't surprise me. It will continue as long as they allow it. You're far from being alone here, Jim; sadly there are too many people dealing with the same sort of thing.

[sue d.]

All I want you to know is that your wife clearly has some self-worth issues that pre-date you.

That looks to be the case...

I can only wonder what your daughter must make of this in and out situation.

Be strong for her - and be the stable person in her life. It's obvious that your ex is on shaky ground to keep allowing this.

[St_Augustines_Pears]

I can only wonder what your daughter must make of this in and out situation.

My daughter Emily hates it...she doesn't like him. Once, on one of her visits (I get her every other weekend), Emily mentioned something to me, and then said, "Please don't tell him!". I asked why, and she replied, "Because he'll get mad at me. I'm not supposed to talk to you about stuff.".

I immediately went over to her house and told him to his face that Emily could talk to me about anything, and if he had a problem with that, he could take it up with me. I also told him that if he ever laid a hand on my daughter, he wouldn't have to worry about the cops being called...because I would get to him first.

He threatened to "kick my a**", and I told him he could have the first punch. All he did was bluster. It turns out he's like a fart in a high wind...no threat.

Be strong for her - and be the stable person in her life.

God knows I'm trying. I'd go through hellfire for her.

[Shell]

I understand perfectly why you would do that, but be cautious about confrontations, Jim; you don't want things to escalate and make things worse for your daughter. Obviously you did need to speak up and say something, and it sounds like you made your point, but you don't want this to turn into a domestic violence kind of thing where the police are involved...Unless it's you going to them because you're concerned about your daughter's safety. The problem is the police usually won't do anything unless someone is actually hurt.

Someone has to show a reasonable amount of intelligence and it's not gonna be the ex and boyfriend.

[knotodiswrld]

Have you talked to your lawyer about filing for sole custody?

[sue d.]

That would be a long, hard battle. You must prove that the one parent is unfit and being with that person is detrimental to the child. If the child's basic needs are being met - sole custody won't happen (no personal experience... I just watch alot of these types of tv shows).

Like Shell said - be careful when it comes to confrontations. If you make any type of physical contact, even if the other person well deserves it - the cops can give YOU a fine, not to mention a trip downtown to cool off in a nice, quiet room with a little bitty window.