Looking for marital advice...

[9ersfan]

So...

My wife and I have been trying to have child #2 for a year and a half now... She has been to her doctor, and they found she wasn't ovulating... Drugs cured that, but after 2 months we still weren't preg. So, I had to go get tested. Well, the results were not in our favor...

So, I have to go have some more tests done... It's so frustrating because with our first, we decided we would try to get pregnant, and BAM... next month we were!

But, this is not my frustration right now...

Lately, for a couple of months now, I've been wondering if God is not blessing us for a reason. Then, I started REALLY asking myself if I REALLY WANTED to have another. I have to admit... I don't think I do... I've wondered about this alot... I'm praying about it now... but I'm wondering...

How do I break this news to my wife who has been crying SO MUCH for the last few months about not being able to get pregnant?

Ugh.... this is so hard....

[winterlens]

9ers, God blesses us because he wants to. He doesn't withhold blessing from us at all. I've never been in your situation, and I don't think I want to (my girlfriend cries because I'm not there).

But for what it's worth, I do want you to be confident that God is blessing you, and that he blesses you always.

I'll be praying for you and your situation.

[crossways]

My wife and I went through a similar situation - in that we couldn't get pregnant. Now, I did want us to have a baby. But I would go through things in my mind - especially sexual impurities from before I was married - and think "God, is this our punishment?"

I don't think it was. Us having a biological baby just wasn't God's plan.

I think I would ask myself what about having another baby creates a negative feeling.

After a couple of years of "trying" and being told by doctors that there was nothing they could find that should prevent us from having a child, I got negative as well. Every month we had the same expectations and each month proved to have the same disappointments. I stopped wanting to be intimate with my wife, much less have a baby. There was so much pressure.

Finally, my wife brought home some info on adoption. When we felt God's leading in that, I began really wanting kids again and my wife and I were able to resume a healthy relationship again, in terms of intimacy.

The final result was an incredible little boy (7 mos) from Russia. (Pic a later date)

He is 14 mos now and the light of our life. Adopting from Russia was definately God's perfect plan for us. That is another post in and of itself, regarding the twists and turns God used in getting Eric to us.

International adoption may not be God's plan for you, but He may be trying to open your eyes to something else.

Pray about the root of why you feel you don't want more children. I'll pray for your peace and discernment.

Whatever you decide about telling your wife, just keep in mind how extra sensative and fragile she is right now. I would be extremely cautious in telling her you may not want another child, no matter how you approach it to her.

Remember that relationship is the most important thing outside of your relationship with God. Protect it, nourish it, cherish it at all costs.

God bless you

Jason

[separateunion]

All I can add is, it's all about God's timing. Maybe there's something in store for you in the near future (possibly good or bad) that having a pregnant wife or a newborn baby wil make the situation too much for you to handle. God allows things to happen in His time because He knows what is best for us.

[Shell]

I'll have to agree with what's been said. God doesn't "punish" us by withholding blessings or what we want. It shouldn't be about us though, it should be about God and trusting Him through all of our circumstances. God will usually let you know whether something is right by whether you have peace about it. It may not be the right time for you to have a baby, and I do think it should be something you both want; I think you should resolve that first.

Above all else: Pray.

[9ersfan]

I don't think we are being punished... Jill punishes herself all the time about it...

I'm mostly worried about having to break to her what I feel.

[Shell]

It's not good that she's beating herself up; she is going to have to know how you feel though. Some of you married folks need to help him out here; I can give feedback from a female's point of view but not from the point of view of a married person.

I do know being able to have a child can be a big issue for some women, but I also believe there reaches a point where you just have to go on with your life.

[epdc]

WOW, awesome story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Weeeell Curt, I have never been married or being on a relationship but I know people has to be honest to each other. I don`t mean that, out of the blue you are gonna "hey Jill, I don`t want a baby", as some people said, she must be very sensitive right now, so the first thing you gotta do is to pray to God and ask Him to give You the right time to tell her and that He prepares Jill for that (in case she has to be prepared) and that gives you the wisdom for saying it in a way that be for building and not destroying.


I don`t think there`s nothing wrong in you dont wanting a baby right now, I think is ok, you both have a right to say if you want a baby or not. But still, pray with God about it. This is just a theory ok, don`t take it like a fact: we don`t know why you guys haven`t got pregnant. It could be as some people said that God has a plan for you guys, a future project or something is coming and for the time the baby is not the right thing for now, maybe God knows and understands this not wanting a baby feeling and that`s why He is not making it happen. Tell Jill everything happens for a reason, that God knows the desire of her heart and I`m sure He`ll make it happen in the right time. You guys should sit down for a wile and talk about yourselves and pray together and ask God to give you peace and explain to You what He wants you to do. You can talk with a pastor if you want. because something is sure Curt:

GOD IS NOT PUNISHING JILL OR YOU BY NOT HAVING A BABY. you just said you don`t want a baby, if God wanted to punish you He would give you a baby (HAHAHAHAHAHA J/K).

God doesn`t punish that way Curt, if the baby hasn`t arrive is because God has a plan and I`m sure the baby is part of it but not in THIS right moment.

[Petra_Pete]

9ers- when I got married, an older gentleman in the church told me, "Do what you can to make your wife happy. Leave the rest in God's hands." It must be a difficult time for you to have this rumbling through your mind, but it is worse for your wife (I can imagine). If it turns out that you truly don't want a child, keep that to yourself. If your wife was to find out that you have this notion, this could turn out to be a double-wammy to her if the Lord does NOT bless you and your wife with a child; she will not only not be pregnant when she wants to be, but then she will feel scarred by the news that you didn't want a child anyways. She might take this as "you weren't even trying then" or even "you don't care" or something else/worse. She might not respond this way, but why risk "rubbing salt in her wounds." Do what you can to make your wife happy and leave the rest in God's hands.

[eknock]

I think it says something about the Petra community here that our members come here for marital advice...

[epdc]

*grin* I know. Praise God for that.

[Shell]

You are right that he should be careful about when and how he brings the subject up Pete, but I do think they'll have to discuss it at some point. Gals have a way of being able to tell when something is wrong, and she'll probably figure out there's something going on eventually. Don't underestimate female intuition, it's usually pretty accurate. You are right about being cautious when she's having a hard time though.