prayer request...

[epdc]

before, i start, i wanna give a good new. my uncle will be out of prison on monday!!!!!!!!!!!. my uncle ernesto will pay the judge 30 thousand dollars for his freedom. his sad, my uncl� manuel`s record is clean but still the judge won`t let him go until my uncle ernesto pays, sigh. well, is m�xico, i shouldn`t be surprise.


well, now the prayer request. My mom is gonna start looking for a psichologyst next week. For me. I was going to see a doctor friend of da family but i don`t feel comfortable with her and she is just a doctor.

I have had this problem since elementary school. since i was 6 years old, don`t know if i was like this in kindergarden because i don`t remember lol. is the classical typical problem: low self-steeme. i hate to admit it because i was always `proud of not being shallow and i feel this problem is a superficial problem but well, what can I say, I have it.

I have several traumas that maybe affected me. in elementary and junior highschool i was fat. kids were very mean to me. in junior highschool i was nominated for the ugliest one at school. at church my dance leader told me i was ugly (i was 13) and stuff like that....

I thought the problem would go by the time i would be in college but it seems it has gotten worse in some areas. For example, I can`t stand look myself in a mirror, in my work there are many mirrors on the wall, once i was talking with a partner and when i realized i was enfront of da mirror i just moved, i couldn`t stand it.

Before going to work i get nervous, like "everybody will see me, i look like schlitt" and stuff like that.

Thanks God my personality area is fine, i used to hate myself but now God has healed me in the sense that i can say that i`m funny, intelligent and nice and all that. i think that as a person i`m a great, years ago i wouldn`t said that. But there`s still a thing hidden there.- i don`t know what you see when you see my pic or the people that have seen me in person but when i look at me i see a monster. I have tried to say positive things about my face and stuff but i just can`t change what I see.

I have tried to pretend the problem is not there (maybe will feel ignore and will leave hahaha) but once in a while EXPLODES ya know. For example, there`s a guy I like at work and he seems to be interest in me but no matter how many "evidence" is there is hard for me to believe, i look at myself and i cry because i think "how embarrassing, he is looking at this". sometimes at work (just for seconds, moments that come once in a while) wish i could vanish, i can`t stand that people be looking at me.


the explosion moments come if there`s a mirror near, i can be all ok, i`m laughing with my students and work partners and stuff and if i see my reflection somewhere i have like an axiety attack and i REALLY have to control myself.

I hate my smile, i think i have the ugliest smile in da world, that i look like a monster when i smile. work partners have wanted to take me pics and i always hide or vanish lolol `cause i can`t stand it, the guy i like wanted to take me one but i refused, my thoughts were "oh no, he is gonna have that face on his cell", is like a terror ya know.

when i was little i used to think the day i would meet someone who would lvoe me i would change ya know, but i realize now that if i would date someone i would get worse.

when guys look at me instead of feeling good i feel bad `cause i`m like "oh no" ya know. i get all dress up for work and still don`t like what i see.

this problem is bigger than me, i really need your prayers, that the psychologyst can help me.

[Shell]

It'll probably do you good to talk to someone, Elo; junior high and high school kids can be very cruel, and there is absolutely no excuse for someone to tell a 13-year-old they go to church with that she's ugly. What sort of thing is that to say to someone in junior high? I'd like to punch that person's lights out and I would if I thought it would do any good. I hope they got into trouble about it. There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help. Junior high and high school can be a rough time even under the best of circumstances. I had some bad experiences in junior high and high school that took me awhile to work through, and sadly I had some pretty bad experiences at the church I grew up in. This was 20+ years ago, it's history, but it can take awhile to work through the hurt. I'll pray for you.

I'm glad your uncle is getting out of jail; it's unfair he has to pay all that money though.

[Petrafan4life79]

Elo, I've never actually had low self esteem or needed a psychologist, but I've had my share of problems with kids teasing me because I have hearing aids. When I was in Kindergarten I used to never wear my hearing aids to school and would go hide behind the bookshelves just so I could put them in. All through school I got called names and kids thought I was dumb cause I had hearing aids. I used to never wear my hair up because I was afraid of what people would think. When I got to High School it wasn't so bad. I finally got to the point where I said, "Screw it! If they don't like me for me they aren't worth my time." I started wearing my hair however I wanted, and I didn't care if people knew I had hearing aids. By the time we graduated things were a lot better. Now in the real world I feel I get treated fairly decent. People actually tell me they don't know I have them unless I say something. I wear the in-the-ear kind now whereas in grade school they were the behind-the-ear. I despised that kind. One of my philosophies has become, "You need glasses to see, I need hearing aids to hear." My other one is, "We'll see who's laughing when you're 80 years old and need hearing aids yourself."

I know this may not be the same as what you're going through, but I think we all go through the periods of thinking we don't look good or that we're ugly or fat, what have you. Or that we're not good enough for anyone. Remember, in God's eyes you're beautiful and it could be that Satan is trying to tear you down and think you're not. If a guy is genuinely interested in you he will accept you for who you are, looks and personality. My husband tells me everyday that I'm beautiful. I think I'm average. I'm not model material. I can point out a lot of girls I think are 10 times better looking than me, but you know what? Those same girls are probably thinking the same thing about themselves. Being thin and beautiful isn't always a piece of cake either. A lot of those girls have low self esteem in other areas of their lives.

From what I'm seeing of you here on the Zone, you have a beautiful personality. Look at all the replies you get to your posts. You've met some of the Petheads and they all seem to really like you for you. See Elo, you aren't so bad! To me you have a genuine, happy smile. Your smile does not make you look like a monster.

As for the mirrors, in a lot of cases when we look in a mirror we see someone totally different from what others see. They say mirrors are distorted, so then we think we're bigger than we actually are.

Maybe the psychologist would do you some good to help your self esteem. Just remember there are people out there that care for you and are praying for you.

[charl]

Ah panic attacks. They're just so much fun aren't they.

Elo, though I am not a real 'regular' here, you strike me as a very sweet loving person. It's not right that you feel that way about yourself and I think you are doing right by wanting to change. Just be sure to choose a counselor/therapist/whatever whose philosophy is biblically based. (I don't agree with all the conclusions there, but it's a start.)
And if you just leave it, it generally does not go away-seriously self-loathing just escalates. ugh.

[epdc]

you just made me smile, thank you for all your love and encouragement for me.

Yeah Charl, I suppose to look for a good psichologyst, i won`t go to the first one i see.

You have no idea of how hard it was for me to type. Believe it or not, yesterday was the first time i admitted I have had this problem all my life.

I always was too embarrased. I always thought people would think is an stupid condition. My father once said that those kind of problems are "rich people`s sickness who doesn`t have a life", he was joking but really hurted me. For years I thought it wasn`t a big deal, since my brothers were in drugs, I always thought that my problem was stupid to even talk about it with anybody, i thought that it would go away. But guys, I just can`t control it. Don`t matter what people say or what I say to myself (good things) I can`t change what my eyes are seeing and I`m tired of it, I just can`t imagine the rest of my life with it.

I know the outside is not important. I`m the NUMBER ONE that has always preach that. but ya know, you have to be happy in your inside but also in your outside, and for now i`m only happy in the inside, I like my personality and all that. My outside is the problem and I need to be able to accept myself.

[charl]

Maybe if I also do some hard writing about my craziness it'll help (maybe not but humour me). I am warning you now though this is rambling madness...

I grew up in a town where we practiced a bit of, I suppose you'd call it social Darwinism. Mean, mean people, I've come to realize abnormally so. We had a very complex social structure. you couldn't trust anyone. If they pretended to be your friend it was because they hoped to control you. If you showed weakness, you were destroyed. No bad/embarrassing thing you did was ever forgotten.

I was also 'The Christian'(there were no others) and a 'teacher's kid'. This basically meant that I was held to a very high standard, (and I held myself there too) one apart from everyone else, that I could not attain. I was so evil and useless and utterly alone. I couldn't let anyone see how evil I was, because they all thought I was so 'good' and they would have ripped me to pieces for the smallest fault. I couldn't act evil, because I belonged to God. I was not allowed to make mistakes. No, shouldn't I be perfect as he is perfect? 'By his stripes we are healed' right? We're 'more than conquerors' I 'can do all things through Christ', I am...a big fat failure. In all of those things. Maybe God should just kick me out of his family. I don't belong there, he knows it.

If I did, I'd be good, and wouldn't be so concerned about silly things.
See it was because I cared that God must be teaching me a lesson, doing this on purpose to make me realize how shallow I was/am. Only those who are shallow or don't trust God enough would have a problem with things so unimportant. They deserve to be mocked. So I will pretend none of those things are really problems. See I'm fine. I AM FINE. My life can be perfect now.

Of course it didn't happen that way. My life has kind of become a series of highs and lows. Things that you ignore just tend to get bigger and worse.

I've been likened to an armadillo, probably quite astutely. I will not let anyone see that I am as weak or as bad as I am. When something traumatic happens, and I'm exposed for the evil useless person I am, I turn inward. I create something I have called lost years. I have a few two or three year periods in my life that I simply do not remember. Not that I am blocking them out but I just shut down completely. So it can and does escalate.


I always had an affinity for Jeremiah, because I felt he was like me. He was alone, everyone hated him. And he hated the message he had to give them. He wished curses on the people that ever made anyone glad he was alive. I always thought he'd get what I felt about evil. He knew that the heart was desperately wicked. I also am beginning to respect Luther, because it seems the revolution he caused stemmed from the same dispair at the inability to please God. If God is not pleased with us, who can be? I see know, years after really being for all intents and purposes a pietist, why the reformers fought so hard for the doctrine of imputation. That is not just a doctrine, it is life. They remind me I'm not the only one. I think remembering you're not the only one is important.

This sounds insane doesn't it? Well self-loathing usually only festers and gets crazier if you try to ignore it. It is very hard to admit, because the carefully constructed shelter you have around it it crumbles, and what's left of you after that? And it seems to take soo much longer than it should. You want to say I got over this so I'm okay now, but then there's something else. I don't even know what the all the answers to it are yet, but I figure I've been proving the adage true lately: I'm not a good example, so I guess I'll have to be a horrible warning.

I'm sure this sounds barking (yay for the anonymity of the internet!) and way too long. I'll probably come back and erase it all, but I just want to say there is nothing wrong with getting help. Don't be like me!

[Shell]

You sound normal, Charl, it's a defense mechanism to not admit to having any problems and it's understandable that you would do that with the atmosphere you were in. Some of the meanest people I have ever known were some of the people at the church I grew up in; you couldn't go to them for prayer or help if you didn't want to be gossiped about, and they tried to hide their judgmental attitudes and backbiting by saying it was "concern." I have skin problems too. It's gotten better as I've gotten older, but my skin was pretty broken out when I was younger and I had bad experiences with people rejecting me because of that. We've all had our bad experiences. I really am happy most of the time, but I get cranky when I'm tired and wonder whether I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing or whether I'm valued. What a shock, cheerful little Michelle has her hang ups too. Thanks to Elo and a few other friends who are patient with me when I e-mail them when I'm feeling cranky.

It's a shame your dad didn't try to be more understanding Elo. Maybe you should have told him you were glad he didn't have that problem but that he shouldn't judge people who did when he didn't know what it was like.

[epdc]

you can be sure of something.- WE ARE ALL EVIL.

completely evil, our nature is sinful and nothing you is gonna change that evn in Jesus we just can`t put aside our flesh just like that, we are gonna fall many times, but we can be sure of something: God is always going to forgive us and accept us back

i know what kind of church you are talking about it. I grew up in one like that and my mom got tired of being judge for being "a normal human being" so we left. are you still going to that place?

[charl]

I hear ya about the evil, and all christians accept original sin (unless they are heretical pelegians). But I'm sure you've all heard the 'carnal Christian/victorious Christian' type teaching, and Wesleyan sanctification doctrines taken too far by some. Hard hard doctrines, and I think those who hold to them must never have been convicted of their utter sinfulness-not just sins, but sinfulness. Pietism sucks. This is why I think I'll fight for imputation as hard as the reformers if need be. It's like being released from the yoke of iron.

As for my church, I did leave for different reasons (though related to the social system) though I do still live in the same town. As an adult it is much easier to accept things as they are than it was as teenager, I tell ya. I get along reasonably well these days due to a jump up the system.

And yeah Church people can be quite, well abusive is the only word for it.

[seichu kaisho]

As a child, I had a mild form of autism (which I have now grown out of). This caused me to have really weird behavior and an anti-social disposition. I always got upset easily and would do stupid things like bang myself on the head whenever I got mad. In elementary school, I was "different" from the other kids, because I lacked social skills. At that time, I didn't realize it enough to care; I enjoyed elementary school anyway.

In middle school, my common sense matured and my behavior wasn't so "weird" anymore, but I was still rather shy. I was easily embarrassed by ridicule, because I didn't have the right words to say in response to teasing. 6th and 7th grade were unpleasant years for me, but 8th grade was much better, because I started developing more social skills, became less shy, and people treated me better. (Plus, I stopped wearing glasses in 8th grade; I liked how I looked better without them, so my "better" looks gave me higher self-esteem.)

My freshman and sophomore years of high school, I was still learning the essential social skills that other people my age already had. It seemed like all the other students were much more skilled at conversation than I was, and that made me jealous. I tried to imitate other students by talking a lot and being "outgoing", but because of my slowness to think of things to say, I often let really lame jokes or other stupid things come out of my mouth, which I regretted immediately. I was trying so hard to fit in and make friends, but I just wasn't able. I felt isolated from everyone, even my youth group and my own family. However, I would find my solace in my Christian rock albums and by talking to God.

By my junior year, though, I got much better at conversing (PRAISE GOD!!!) and learned to be more accepting of who I was and the way God created me. Sure, I screwed up in conversation every now and then, like anyone else. But my social life was better, and I had more self-esteem and didn't worry so much about how other people thought of me. Plus, I was strong enough in my faith that I no longer worried about trying to fit in. My youth group was a strong friend base and provided moral support. (I also developed a funnier sense of humor )

I'm an example of a miracle - people who are born with autism are normally stuck with it for the rest of their life. But I grew out of it. I no longer suffer from autism. Thanks to God's power and grace, I broke the barrier. Thank God!!

[reoracer]

Sis, know that we are praying for ya here... and that we love ya

Jen

[epdc]

thanks Jen, i really gonna need it.

dan, WOW, I didn`t know that about you!! that`s an amazing testimony ya know. I never suffered of autism but was very shy at elementary and junior highschool and God has changed me a lot since then. I believe I went through all that for a reason and I also think the same about you because man, God has used me to touch so many people that is going through shyness and fears about socialize and stuff, because i understand how they feel.

[SamScales]

Wow, what an interesting thread you started up there Elo. See, there are tons of other people going through similar experiences.

I remember hating school because I was always the "outcast". I wasn't anyone special, wasn't "popular", didn't dress right and was always on the receiving end of teasing (being the "nerd" of the school without the good grades ). I never knew how to respond to that teasing (I do now, cos I tease back big time ). So to cover up my hurt, I pretended a lot......I was a dreamer with no results.

Today - yes, I'm still a dreamer, but I'm doing something about it and through Jesus Christ alone these dreams are becoming reality!

Talking about building up a wall around yourself. I did that as a teenager in school....then I finally let down some of the defenses, only to build up a bigger wall because of verbal things said to me that were extremely hurtful in my first marriage.

That's when I wrote the song: Tear Down The Wall, the title song of my second album. Somehow I was able to describe a person's life, drowining out their hopelessness through either alcohol, drugs, dancing and searching for love in all the wrong places. Coming to the point of wanting to end it - but instead at the end of the road finding Jesus and changing a life. Unknowingly I described Warren's (my friend who married me almost 2 years ago) life and expressed the desire of tearing down my own wall through this song. It's just amazing. I never drank, never did drugs, I was miss goody two shoes and thankful for it now. Yet, even being a "good" person, the Lord showed me that goodness is nothing but filthy rags and I needed a Savior.

Then through the hurtful words in my first marriage the wall came back up big time, with one difference, there was a door that was always open for Jesus - not for people - but for Jesus. And through being totally immersed in His Word and letting His love permeate my life, the wall came down and with it a desire to share His love with others, desiring contact with people and to let them know the beauty that is found in His Word, the comfort and the answers with having a wonderful relationship with Christ. I'm living my dream of doing concerts and sharing my testimony with Warren being supportive in the ministry, having his own with his BBQ and singing Christian country.

God is awesome, Elo.....and He will see you through this. I totally agree with Charl. You HAVE to find a counsellor that believes solid in the wisdom of God's Word, otherwise you won't get wise and godly counsel.

Charl, Seichu, Petrafan, Shell, thank you so much for sharing your stories. Wow, that was interesting! Amazing how God is using these horrible things in our lives to comfort and touch others, relate with them and be a source of encouragement to them.

[seichu kaisho]

I didn't mention that I also struggled with depression occasionally during the last four or five years of my life, especially my junior and senior year, and my first semester at college. Many of you probably remember me sharing about it a lot on the old Petra Zone. The depression was awful and infernal at times and interfered with my life and my behavior. I had countless suicidal periods, but thank God I never did anything life-threatening to myself. This year (2005), I have not been suffering from depression so much anymore, and this is the first summer vacation in a long time in which I have not been bored and miserable all the time. I hope it stays that way. I don't mind if I still have bad times, as long as they are rare and not as frequent as they used to be.

THANK GOD for the changes in my life, and in all our lives.

[charl]

Seichu kaisho that is an amazing testimony. Thank God you no longer suffer the effects of Autism. Have you ever been tested to see if there is a reason that may help others?
I have to admit I find autism to be a rather facinating subject in a macabre sort of way. Mainly because one of my favorite artists is a designer/architect named Charles Rennie Mackintosh. He is now believed to have suffered from Apsbergers (a form of autism-not sure if I spelled that correctly). He was famously difficult and I don't know how much he would have done had it not been for his wife Margaret, also an artist. Though I have often wondered if he did not have to trade a 'normal' life for his genius.
Would the mad artist be as great if they were not mad? Or would they blend into normal life? Maybe only artists ask that question.
Sometimes I think I would rather be normal, then again...