Something About a News Release

bakersfieldpethead · Post by **bakersfieldpethead** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 3:11 pm

Wouldnï¿½t it be funny if there was a News Release every time someone did something?

BAKERSFIELDPETHEAD AT IT AGAIN

(Bakersfield, CA) The infamous superhero to be who has brought you such topics as ï¿½My Bellybutton & Me,ï¿½ ï¿½My Bathrobe,ï¿½ and the ever so funny ï¿½Chicken & the Weaselï¿½; which will be released later this summer, is currently typing this news release after of course sitting in his bathroom for 3 hours.

When asked by himself, ï¿½Is this going to be something funny?ï¿½ he replied back to himself ï¿½YES!ï¿½ followed by some laughter. More as this story develops.

bakersfieldpethead · Post by **bakersfieldpethead** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 3:12 pm

BAKERSFIELD PETHEAD LOGS OUT OF THE PETRA ZONE

(Bakersfield, CA) The infamous superhero to be who has brought you such topics as ï¿½Pee by the river,ï¿½ and ï¿½Never Understood My Kneesï¿½; which will be out this fall, is now logging out of the petra zone.

When asked "why is he logging out at this time?" he replied ï¿½I have to go pee!ï¿½ more as this story developsï¿½..

(see what I mean?)

Enosh · Post by **Enosh** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:30 pm

DATELINE FLINT MI: ENOSH FEE REPLIES TO BAKERSFIELDPETHEAD POST

Legendary rocker Enosh Fee logged onto thepetrazone.net Tuesday and read what turned out to be the catalyst for yet another post by the infamous guitarist/songwriter. "I was just playing bass in the basement when I felt a desire to stop and get on the net." Says Enosh 28. "I then sat down at the computer and logged in as I always do. I started by looking at an article on the yahoo main page about the movie "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

It was then that Enosh typed in that familiar html for what many simply call "The Zone." "I found myself reading a post by Bakersfieldpethead that I thought had an interesting subject. Before I knew it, I was responding with a post of my own. It was like I couldn't help myself."

The response to this latest post by Enosh is yet to be determined as others will undoubtably log onto "The Zone" in the days to come. One can only hope that the unwitting readers are prepared for the hiliarity that may come as a result. Bakersfieldpethead was not available for comment at the time of this report. One thing is for sure, this wasn't Enosh's first post; and it won't be his last. Stay tuned for further developments.

Shell · Post by **Shell** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 8:50 pm

NEWSFLASH: Enosh and Bakes are raving lunatics. Read all about it on the Zone.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I've had a very long day folks.

seichu kaisho · Post by **seichu kaisho** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:43 pm

NEWS REPORT FROM DISJUSST INN, SOUTH CRACKOLINA

LOCAL RESTAURANT CHEF ACCUSED OF FAILING TO POISON A CUSTOMER

Stopit Rightnow, a formal dining restaurant in the city of Disjusst Inn, South Crackolina, is perhaps one of the most famous restaurants in the entire country of Usa Usa. People from all places stop by for a gratifying taste of inedible cuisine - a style of cuisine which has risen tremendously in popularity over the last several years, using poisonous substances to enhance the flavor of edible foods. Favorites of customers include the Roast Beef a la Plax, the Chicken and Downy Soup, the Drano Deluxe Burger, Fries in Dish Detergent Sauce, and Isopropyl Salad, all served with a refreshing glass of ammonia.

Sato Mokuboku, also known as Chef Sato, is the award-winning head chef of Stopit Rightnow. Chef Sato has been admired throughout the city for his poisonous delicacies. Unfortunately, his successful career was put in jeopardy when, one day, a man who ordered a motor oil sundae suddenly collapsed after eating three bites of his dessert. It was later found out that the ice cream was topped with chocolate syrup instead of motor oil, and that Chef Sato had prepared the sundae.

The customer was eventually resuscitated, but had to be rushed to a hospital because of heart problems caused by a intolerance to non-poisonous foods. For the last several years, this unusual intolerance to lack of poison has become an existing health condition for over 80 percent of South Crackolina residents, and almost half of the entire country of Usa Usa.

Chef Sato claims that the non-poisoning was an accident. Fortunately, he was not fired from his job, although he did have to pay a whopping fine of 10,000 cents. Since then, however, the amount of business at Stopit Rightnow restaurant has not declined.

- Yamasaki Moto, Hardly Associated Press

bakersfieldpethead · Post by **bakersfieldpethead** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 2:08 am

BAKERSFIELDPETHEAD REPLIES TO ENOSH

(Somewhere in the United States.) Bakersfieldpethed logged on at 1:00am to read more posts on "The Zone." After reading "Enosh's" and "seichu kaisho's" posts, the man known as "Bakes" was reported saying "HA, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, AhHa Ha, Ha, Ha,"

More on this story as it becomes available........

seichu kaisho · Post by **seichu kaisho** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 6:08 am

PRESS RELEASE FROM A BASEMENT IN IOWA

PETRA FAN REACHES 1-YEAR MARK ON A FAN WEBSITE, BUT FORGETS TO CELEBRATE

The multi-named Pethead, known in real life as Dan J. Reynolds, known by himself as Yamasaki Moto, known by other Petra fans as seichu kaisho (another name he gave himself), and known by his wonderful Japanese friends as Yamasaaaaaki, has reached one year of membership on the Petra fan website The Petra Zone.

Having joined on July 12, 2004, this dude (who prefers to be referred to as Yamasaki) has simultaneously gained fame and infamy from other Petra Zone members and readers because of his tendency to post stuff that he thinks is burst-out-laughing funny (though others might not agree that he's so funny). On rare occasions, he has even submitted posts that are entirely serious.

Highlights from Yamasaki's over 900 posts include: a true story about getting stomach cramps while in Guatemala, failed attempts to run a decent Hangman game, the nose-picking confessions, his series of "tasteless fortune cookies," harassing the former Petra Zone spammer "unoactu1895," crazy stories about fictitious chefs with cool Japanese names (such as Chef Matsuhiko), and prayer requests for his beloved international friends from college.

July 12, 2005 saw Yamasaki's one-year anniversary on the Petra Zone. However, when interviewed by himself on about this special milestone in his life, he confessed that he completely forgot about it that day. Oddly enough, his face showed no sign of remorse. "Yeah, I know, it kinda sux," Yamasaki said, "but it's not a big deal. I hardly care that much about it, anyway."

But Yamasaki's involvement on the Petra Zone has had a tremendous impact on other members and will not be easily forgotten. Bakersfieldpethead, when interviewed, said "seichu kaisho - I know I've heard that name somewhere." Enosh told reporters, "seichu kaisho? I have no idea who you're you talking about." Aunt Shell snarled at the reporters, "Get that stupid tape recorder out of my face or I'll slug you!" Epdc just simply said, "Uh, I like pizza."

Also, Yamasaki has not washed his hair in several days, and suffers from a moderate case of dandruff.

- Sum Young Man, Highly Associated Press

Jonathan · Post by **Jonathan** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 11:20 am

AREA MAN ANNOYED, NEEDS SLEEP

Jenison, MI - Today local resident and gadfly Jonathan Gamble, 24, awoke to the tapping of fingers on his forehead, as his little brother, James, struggled to rouse him. James had apparently been instructed to report threads to Jonathan containing posts by persons with the pseudonyms "Enosh" and "bakersfieldpethead" on an internet message board frequented by fans of the as yet unheralded band Petra.

James reported that Jonathan had swung an ivory backscratcher at him and then, his mouth muffled by an elaborate pillowing system, moaned several unintelligible phrases.

"I didn't get it," James said. "I was doing him a favor. You have without question the most influential posters on the board, and then with the addition of 'choochoo karshow,' it was a trifecta," said James, referring to a poster monikered "seichu kaisho." "Really, a once in a lifetime thread."

Both Gamble and Enosh Fee, who were the subject of several civil investigations in Sheboygan, Wis. following the summer of 2001, nurture a heated rivalry with roots in the great CITAS/CITS debate of 2003, in which the correct abbreviation of the Petra album Captured In Time and Space was in question. Gamble lobbed several water balloons at Fee's 1988 Festiva, and Fee promptly torched Gamble's 66-acre estate.

Several hours and dozens of cups of Dewnog later, Gamble finally spoke. "I just like to stay up to speed on what's going on. After all, I'm passionate--" was all he could muster before passing into the hazy
oblivion of sleep.

James Gamble, who practices "freelance medicine," said that Jonathan "just needs his sleep. I've been helping him with that."

James was promptly arrested.
---
Other news:
Mormonism proven false...again
After dismal platinum sales, Steven Curtis Chapman plans comeback for '06.

Emailing or chatting in all caps now a criminal offense, thanks to US Senate.
John Paul II returns: "Juss' keeding! I steel the pope!"; Ratzinger demoted to altar boy, joins Mike Stand.

Susannah · Post by **Susannah** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 3:56 pm

Ratzinger demoted to altar boy, joins Mike Stand.

LOLOLOL That was sooooo funny!

You guys are all hilarious, but I hafta say, that was my favorite line!

seichu kaisho · Post by **seichu kaisho** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 5:13 pm

"I DON'T LIVE FOR YOU 'CAUSE I'M AGAINST YOUR LAWS"

I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS!!!

(LET'S GET BUSY. . . . .)

Susannah · Post by **Susannah** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 6:41 pm

Yeah, classic Stryper! And new Stryper is AWESOME!

SamScales · Post by **SamScales** » Wed Jul 13, 2005 10:51 pm

Well, I don't haveta get the daily newspaper anymore. All the best news is found right here!

Enosh · Post by **Enosh** » Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:49 am

ENOSH DENIES REPORTS OF FESTIVA OWNERSHIP

Flint, MI Enosh Fee has called a press conference today to catagorically deny rumors started on this board in a Jonathon Gamble post that he currenty or has ever owned a 1988 Festiva.

"I'm going to tell you this once and for all so listen closely. I did not have driving relations with that car" said Enosh while biting his lower lip and giving the "Thumbs up!" sign. This of course stems from the great Citas/Cits debate of 2003, and reflects that there is obviously some hostilities that have not been quenched. We will keep you updated on new developments.

Citas/Cits information courtesy of Jonathon's post. 2005

Enosh · Post by **Enosh** » Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:52 am

If you like funny Christian fake news go to

larknews.com

good stuff

executioner · Post by **executioner** » Thu Jul 14, 2005 1:16 pm

You all are crazy people. This would get annoying after a while.

The Petra Zone